Don’t let another night go by wishing and hoping that your man would get it right. Pleasing a woman takes knowledge and understanding. More than likely, your man would give anything to rock your world, he just doesn’t know how. Teach him how to please you by following our super sexy lesson plans. No need to share your plan with him; it will be our little secret.
You are about to embark on a serious training project and like any endeavor of this sort, it requires a good plan. One thing to keep in mind throughout the process is that you are training a man, and it calls for a bit more finesse than training say, a child, a dog, or an athlete. The best way to train him is to never let on that there is anything wrong. Instead, he should believe that you are expanding the adventure of your already wonderful lovemaking. In addition, secret planning will enable you to implement one of the most useful pieces of man-training: turning the neck. You have heard the metaphor that the man may be the head of the house, but it is the woman, as the neck, that turns the head in the direction she desires.
Smart women have figured out that if you allow a man to think that he came up with his ideas all on his own, he will be much more committed to following through with them. One of the key differences between a man and a woman is his need to be appreciated as a mastermind, a fixer, and a great lover. He actually needs that confirmation to retain his pride as a man. Women don’t need the ego confirmation like a man does. They need to be cherished, adored and respected. Play your womanly hand in this game of love and greatly increase both your chances of winning.
To begin training your husband, you will need to choose which lesson you would like to start with. You don’t want to overwhelm him with too much at the same time; it is too easy to slip up and make him feel bad about himself. You might choose to work on foreplay first, or it might be what he does or doesn’t do during sex, or maybe it is the lack of adventure in your sex life that you choose to tackle first. The next step is to choose your angle. Here are a few options:
* Open up a conversation by asking him about his desires first. Ask him what he really likes, what he would like more of, and what he’s always wanted to try. The conversation should then turn to what you really like, what you want more of, and what you’ve always wanted to try.
* Go out to dinner and have a few drinks. Then, as a “spur of the moment idea,” share your sensual wish lists with each other, writing down things you both hope to experience on cocktail napkins so you can look at them again the next day.
* Tell him what you want him to do in the heat of the moment. The closer a man is to climax, the more appeasing he is, so take the opportunity when he is hot and ready to tell him something you wish he would do. Say it in a super sexy way and refrain from criticizing him in any way. Say something like, “Oh baby, you feel so good… I want you to _____.”
* Mention something you’d like to experience when the two of you are doing something totally non-sexual, taking him by surprise with your non-shalant attitude. Imagine driving home from the grocery store and mentioning out of the blue that you have been imagining what it would be like to do it on the kitchen counter or wondering what it would be like to buy a sex toy together. That leaves it in his court, and odds are that you’ll have that fantasy come true before the week is out.
* Introduce your desires and fantasies by construing a little fib, “A friend told me a story today at work. You wouldn’t believe what she tried with her husband last night…” or “I stumbled on an article about something interesting today and it made me so hot, imaging us doing it. It was all about ____” or “I had the hottest dream about you last night. You were _____.”
* Set up a role play rendezvous where you are in charge. You could be a sex instructor or dominatrix. That way, you can tell him what you want him to do and he will love the idea of being “schooled” by a hot sex master!
* Challenge him. Bring out his competitive nature with a sexy challenge. One idea, if you are sick of the hum drum five minute lay before bed, is to tell him that you will have sex with him anywhere, anytime, as long as it is not on your bed. Another idea is to make a game with him, a challenge of who can take the reigns and create the hottest sexual encounter. You each make a short list of things you want and swap lists. Include four or so things that you like that he does already and four more things that you want him to do. Don’t tell him to do the same, though. Let him put whatever he wants on his list, so he doesn’t feel like this is a project to make him better in bed, but just a fun encounter to have. Roll dice to see who gets the first night and have a blast playing out your challenge and see whose rendezvous works out best!
Whichever angle you choose, just make sure that you encourage him to lead you just as much as you lead him. He needs to feel like an equal participant in pleasing you, and after he’s trained, you won’t have to try! In addition, don’t treat every opportunity as a training exercise. Let the lessons go once in a while. The goal is to make him a better lover without damaging his self-esteem. After all, it is a well-known fact that confidence is the most important element to attraction. If you knock down his self-esteem, you won’t ever turn him into the perfect love machine.
You don’t always need an angle. Definitely shake things up a bit. Remember that you are choosing one lesson at a time and you should try different approaches often so that he doesn’t begin to feel like his manhood is being challenged. Your training will go a whole lot smoother if he just sees you as being extra adventurous, not out to change his ways. Some secrets are worth keeping…
Find sexy ways to let him know what you want from him.
* Talk to him sweetly, using your bedroom voice. Whisper what you want in his ear, but do it kindly. For example, if he is pounding you like a jack rabbit, tell him that you want to “feel him more, slowly.”
* Give him physical clues to what you would like. For example, if you want him to handle your breasts more, put them right in his face. Men can’t help but grab onto bouncing boobies.
* If you want him to alter the way he does something, try doing it to him first. It won’t take long for him to get the hint that you are giving him. If that alone doesn’t get him doing what you want, show him how you like it by guiding him. Move his hands or body and tell him, “Like this.” Telling him how you like it while it’s happening instead of criticizing afterword makes it more of an erotic experience than a “schooling.”
You need to teach your guy what you like. Encouraging him when he’s doing it right is the most effective training method. It is called positive reinforcement and it is the essence of man-training. During love-making is the perfect opportunity for it because it is the time when he is most receptive. Memorize these tips like the back of your hand and use them every chance you get through the training process and after. A man can never get enough positive reinforcement.
* Let your inhibitions go and your vocals loose. The tiniest inkling to let out a moan or tell him “yes” and you should let it out. Scream if you feel like it, men love it.
* Don’t over-reward. Make your reaction in direct ratio to the amount of pleasure he is giving you. Most of this will come naturally of course, but it doesn’t hurt to keep it in mind while you are on the mission to train.
* Tell him that you really like what he’s doing and that you want to try it in a different position, in a different room, slower, faster, or whatever you want. The key part is to reinforce that you like what he is doing already and that you want more.
* If he really knocks your socks off, let him know by returning the favor. Blow his mind by doing something you know he loves. It may sound a bit impersonal, but a man’s mind works that way sometimes. This sort of reward system, if done properly, buries in his subconscious and he will associate doing what you like with getting what he likes.
The last stage of each lesson should be feedback. Voice a reaction to your lovemaking session, but do it with finesse. Use the tips below to close each chapter of training in such a way that his ego is in tact and you are that much closer to having the best sex of your life.
* It doesn’t have to be a formal discussion. In fact, the more casual your feedback is, the more he receptive he will be. For example, you could tell him, “You know, honey, I loved it when you ____ and I was thinking that next time, we could ____” and gently tell him what it is that you want from him.
* Be open and willing to talk about your desires with him, but make sure you are inquiring about his desires just as much.
* Don’t always have suggestions. Give him a lot of encouragement by telling him how hot the sex was, how much you keep thinking about him touching you, etc. Again, don’t pretend to feel that way if you don’t, but there are surely things you could pick out of every experience to praise him for. He needs compliments just as much as you do.
* Once in a while, it’s ok to give him a little sting. If he is doing something that drives you nuts, you may have to come right out and say it. Just make sure that when you do, he feels very loved and assured before and after. You don’t want to tack a sting onto a lesson already in progress. Let things ride for a while, then break the news, and then give him a while to get over the blast before resuming your lessons.
Be patient with your lover. Take one lesson at a time and give him a chance to master it before moving onto the next one. He wants to be the ultimate lover just as much as you want him to be
Have you ever wished you could watch yourself become aroused?
I’m not talking about setting up a video camera for your own pleasure production. I’m talking about seeing yourself through the eyes of a sex researcher and watching your every sexual response. It might sound silly, especially if you're afraid you won't like what you see.
But there is something interesting about observing yourself in raw human form and then responding beyond your control.
Every time I read a new, intriguing sex fact about women, I wish I could somehow confirm it with myself. If I had been a research participant in “that” study, would investigators have found that "fact" true of me?
As strange as it sounds, I wish I could be both the subject and sex investigator –- or at least a fly on the wall –- measuring or seeing my body react as science says it will.
I would love to confirm if any of the following is true for me . . .
Do My Pupils Signal Arousal?
A female's pupil dilation is an indicator of strong sexual arousal and interest. This has been proven in research by Whipple, Ogden and Komisaruk involving vaginal self-stimulation, which leads to orgasm. While the function of this reaction is not understood, researchers know that pupil dilation is due to oxytocin acting as a neurotransmitter in the spinal cord. Regardless, wider pupils can be read as a sign that she’s turned on.
How Active Are My Nocturnal Orgasms?
When it comes to "wet dreams," people tend to think only males experience these sleep time pleasures. Actually, females can go through their own sexual response cycle while asleep by becoming sexually aroused and reaching climax without genital stimulation. I don't know if I've hit the "Big O" in my sleep. But, I would just like to know how excited do I get?
Like the male, thanks to the brain, and likely some pretty red-hot dreams, a woman’s body gets revved up in her sleep. Her heart rate doubles, her breaths per minute go from 12 to 22, and her vaginal blood flow increases. I don’t know about you, but I think it would be wild to watch myself respond so dramatically to what is, in most cases, unbeknownst bliss.
Is Semen Really That Good?
Forget antidepressants –- semen can make you happy! In 2002, researchers at the State University of New York found women whose partners did not use condoms scored lower on tests for depression than those who did use condoms. Investigators speculate that hormones from his semen are absorbed into the body through the vagina for a possible mood-elevating effect.
Which Foods Determine My Scent?
When it comes to oral fixations, many lovers worry about how they taste and smell. Given all of the crude jokes out there about the woman's genitals in particular, females tend to be extremely sensitive about how their wares may entice or suppress a partner's appetite. In squelching these concerns, it is important for lovers to know that the smell and taste of a woman's genitals is dependent upon diet, the pH of her vaginal secretions, and where she's at in her menstrual cycle.
To enhance her "feastability," a woman has the most control over the foods she consumes. Eating strong foods, like asparagus or garlic, tends to increase scent, and typically not for the better. On the other hand, foods like lemons, oranges and grapefruits may result in a sweet scent.
Am I Symmetrical During Ovulation?
If you were to slice yourself in half, you’d probably notice you're not perfectly symmetrical. One eye might be droopier than the other. One breast may be smaller than the other. One testicle may be larger than the other. Yet humans are attracted to symmetry. So it's absolutely fascinating that a female's hands, breasts, and ears become more symmetrical when she ovulates. Like the male, she also becomes more "lopsided" with age.
Can Breast-Feeding Result in Arousal?
When a new mother's nipple is suckled or stimulated, oxytocin is released into the bloodstream. This action not only produces milk ejection, but uterine contractions.
Thus, many mothers end up feeling a bit turned on when breast-feeding. To a certain extent, it’s as though Mother Nature is encouraging this form of nourishment. Breast-feeding also ultimately triggers the release of prolactin, a hormone that decreases sexual desire in lactating females.
What Is My Waist-Hip Ratio?
I have a somewhat hour-glass shape, but I don't know what my waist-hip ratio is exactly –- and if it will benefit efforts to conceive. Universally, the most attractive waist-hip proportion for a woman is a waist circumference that is 70 percent that of the hips. And there may be an evolutionary desire for this human figure.
Women who vary greatly from this have a harder time conceiving and have more miscarriages. Women who are "egg-shaped," "pear-shaped," or "stick-shaped" tend to suffer from chronic diseases, like diabetes, problems with circulation and certain cancers. They're also more prone to personality disorders.
Faking an orgasm is almost always chalked up as a woman’s white lie. But a man can be just as guilty.
The Orgasm Survey, conducted by economist Hugo Mialon, found that 24 percent — nearly 1 in 4 men — fake the “Big O.”
What’s perplexing is that society doesn’t acknowledge this issue enough. It’s supposedly only “her” problem. So what’s going on with him? And are there ways to have him trigger-happy in the saddle again?
Reasons why men feel the need to fake an orgasm are:
— He feels pressure to perform, including within a set amount of time.
— She’s really trying to please him, but his body isn’t cooperating (known as the “mercy fake”).
— He’s exhausted and faking is his exit strategy to sleep.
— He’s not into the sex and just wants to get it over with.
— He’s feeling sexually inadequate.
— He’s with a new partner and can’t relax.
— He doesn’t find his partner attractive.
— He wants to hide the fact that he’s dealing with a medical or psychosexual problem or a sexual disorder.
— He doesn’t feel emotionally connected to his lover (yes, those men exist!).
— He’s covering up the fact that the relationship is falling apart.
— He doesn’t want to disappoint or hurt his lover. He basically wants approval.
— He’s in the closet about his sexual orientation.
— He feels that his orgasm is a way of proving he’s a man.
— He’s grappling with the cultural shaming that invites feelings that he’s let down himself or his partner.
In most cases, his faking “O” seems chivalrous — until you consider that, as with women, pretending to climax does neither of you any good. It reinforces what not to do. It leaves at least the faker feeling disconnected and isolated from his mate.
Complicating matters even more is that we’ve made it OK for women to fake an orgasm. In fact, thanks to the medicine of sex, it’s OK for women to have a problem reaching climax, but not for men.
Hence, with his sexual performance heavily tied into his “manliness,” men are less likely to admit they’re having a sexual problem. The fear that he’s alone on this matter further keeps his mouth shut.
In resolving this issue, it’s important to realize that it’s only natural for every sexually active individual to have difficulty reaching climax at some point, whether with a partner or solo. There are a number of factors in this, including fatigue, depression, stress and medication. So don’t be concerned if you, or your partner, don’t have an orgasm on occasion.
To deal with this matter:
— Talk to your partner, approaching the matter delicately. Don’t admit that this has been an issue for a while. This opens up a whole “can I trust him?” can of worms. Focus, instead, on the present and moving forward.
— Frame the “work” to be done as a joint way to explore new territory for greater emotional satisfaction.
— Discuss where both of you stand on the need for the occasional fake. While some might find it very unethical, others know that what they don’t know won’t kill them. Lovers should be on the same page when it comes to this issue.
— Emphasize that neither of you has to have an orgasm every time. Also, refrain from assigning blame when it doesn’t happen. It’s nothing to be taken personally.
— Make sure you’re communicating, verbally and nonverbally in bed. This helps your partner to respond to what you want. So listen. Ask questions.
— Eroticize sex with new positions and techniques, as this allows lovers to connect in different ways.
— Stay in the moment instead of working toward a goal.
— Reinforce effective touch with compliments and noise that indicates pleasure (while staying sincere).
— Remind your partner that you’re still attracted to her or him — that you’re still into your sexual intimacy.
Keep in mind that shining too much of a spotlight on this issue can lead to performance pressure for both partners. One or both lovers can shut down sexually, complicating the situation, instead of allowing things to flow naturally.
Finally, see a sex therapist or counselor if you feel that your lack of "O" persists over time, or if there are heavy issues at play, including a history of childhood sexual abuse, that are affecting your game. A professional can act as a guide and take a holistic look at what’s going on in the bedroom versus focusing only on the sex (as couples tend to do). In doing so, some tough issues are more readily tackled, like just how healthy and real your relationship is on the honesty level.
In moving on, when the need to fake comes up, don’t play into this temptation. If you must, fess up, explaining why, such as, “I had a hard day at work.” Then suggest focusing on your partner’s pleasuring, or simply cuddling and appreciating one another without being so goal-oriented. Remember, the “Big O” doesn’t necessarily make or break a sexual experience.
It used to be that diamonds were a girl’s best friend. But these days, it’s something much more stimulating. And it vibrates. Better yet, it’s battery-powered to last for hours. Plus, it never needs Viagra.
So given the fuss it has created among women in recent years, many men have found themselves wondering if they will eventually become replaced. Are they just suffering from bruised egos in the bedroom ... or could they actually be sexually substituted someday?
In sizing up today’s vibrator craze, many point to the "Sex and the City" episode that made "The Rabbit" vibrator famous. And while that show definitely piqued more than the public's interest, you can actually blame the medical community for getting us turned on to the original electronic gadgets more than 100 years ago. At the turn of the century, vibrators became all the rage for treating female "hysteria."
From the time of Hippocrates all the way to Freud, doctors stimulated orgasms in women and girls to relieve them of what was thought to be their "starved" or "misplaced" womb. Historically, people thought that hysteria ("hyster" is Greek, meaning "womb") was a condition where the uterus was revolting against sexual deprivation. Marriage or a medical massage was considered the best remedy.
Using a clinical procedure known as the "medical massage." physicians would induce "hysterical paroxysm" in their patients. This "fit" or sudden attack, also known as an orgasm, involved an increased breathing and pulse rate, a reddening of the skin, vaginal lubrication and abdominal contractions. Is it any wonder that many women of the puritanical Victorian era flocked to their doctors, claiming to be afflicted with hysteria?
Doctors’ hands were finally relieved of masturbating their patients to orgasm in the 1880s when electromechanical vibrators hit the scene. These "medical appliances." as they were known, were designed to improve the efficiency of medical massage and treat hysteria. Yet they weren’t around for long. Medical massager's disappeared from doctors’ offices in the 1930s, replaced by psychotherapy.
It is no wonder, then, that women have been working themselves into a frenzy over the vibrator’s comeback in recent years. In the meantime, some men have worried that they’ve finally met their match. And in some ways, they may be right when it comes to their lover’s orgasm.
Vibrators can help a woman not only to become orgasmic, but multi-orgasmic. They deliver orgasms consistently and easily. They enhance her sexual responsiveness and pleasure. Vibrator users also report higher levels of sexual desire, arousal, and interest.
In a 2004 Berman Center study titled "Health Benefits of Sexual Aids and Devices," nearly half of women ages 18 to 55 had used a vibrator. These women were found to be more interested in sex, reached orgasm more easily and were likelier to have a better quality of life.
On first take, such benefits and research findings can definitely feel threatening to a gal’s lover. How is he supposed to compete with that?
But men should stop looking at vibrators as the enemy; they should start seeing them as their friends. They make their job much easier. When used in a supporting role, a vibrator can help a man bring his lover to orgasm.
The Berman Center study further found that 30 percent of couples use vibrators. This is no surprise given that users of sex aids, in general, have sex more frequently and experience more satisfying sex with their partners. Vibrator use can lend itself to better sexual functioning, as well as:
— enhance your emotional and sexual intimacy;
— heighten your pleasuring;
— boost your eroticism quotient;
— promote mutual sexual and emotional satisfaction.
So in making friends, ask for a show and tell. Ask her to use it on you. Take a chance, and use it during sex, using it on her clitoris during intercourse to increase her chances of reaching the "Big O."
Finally, take comfort in knowing that the vibrator will never replace you. Unless you’re a lousy lover or your relationship is already in shambles, a woman will never opt for a mechanical device over you. She’ll always prefer the emotional support and sexual intimacy that only her lover can give her. After all, the best sex is that which provides overall pleasure.
This article was written by:
Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright. She is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, "Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots."