Have you ever wished you could watch yourself become aroused?
I’m not talking about setting up a video camera for your own pleasure production. I’m talking about seeing yourself through the eyes of a sex researcher and watching your every sexual response. It might sound silly, especially if you're afraid you won't like what you see.
But there is something interesting about observing yourself in raw human form and then responding beyond your control.
Every time I read a new, intriguing sex fact about women, I wish I could somehow confirm it with myself. If I had been a research participant in “that” study, would investigators have found that "fact" true of me?
As strange as it sounds, I wish I could be both the subject and sex investigator –- or at least a fly on the wall –- measuring or seeing my body react as science says it will.
I would love to confirm if any of the following is true for me . . .
Do My Pupils Signal Arousal?
A female's pupil dilation is an indicator of strong sexual arousal and interest. This has been proven in research by Whipple, Ogden and Komisaruk involving vaginal self-stimulation, which leads to orgasm. While the function of this reaction is not understood, researchers know that pupil dilation is due to oxytocin acting as a neurotransmitter in the spinal cord. Regardless, wider pupils can be read as a sign that she’s turned on.
How Active Are My Nocturnal Orgasms?
When it comes to "wet dreams," people tend to think only males experience these sleep time pleasures. Actually, females can go through their own sexual response cycle while asleep by becoming sexually aroused and reaching climax without genital stimulation. I don't know if I've hit the "Big O" in my sleep. But, I would just like to know how excited do I get?
Like the male, thanks to the brain, and likely some pretty red-hot dreams, a woman’s body gets revved up in her sleep. Her heart rate doubles, her breaths per minute go from 12 to 22, and her vaginal blood flow increases. I don’t know about you, but I think it would be wild to watch myself respond so dramatically to what is, in most cases, unbeknownst bliss.
Is Semen Really That Good?
Forget antidepressants –- semen can make you happy! In 2002, researchers at the State University of New York found women whose partners did not use condoms scored lower on tests for depression than those who did use condoms. Investigators speculate that hormones from his semen are absorbed into the body through the vagina for a possible mood-elevating effect.
Which Foods Determine My Scent?
When it comes to oral fixations, many lovers worry about how they taste and smell. Given all of the crude jokes out there about the woman's genitals in particular, females tend to be extremely sensitive about how their wares may entice or suppress a partner's appetite. In squelching these concerns, it is important for lovers to know that the smell and taste of a woman's genitals is dependent upon diet, the pH of her vaginal secretions, and where she's at in her menstrual cycle.
To enhance her "feastability," a woman has the most control over the foods she consumes. Eating strong foods, like asparagus or garlic, tends to increase scent, and typically not for the better. On the other hand, foods like lemons, oranges and grapefruits may result in a sweet scent.
Am I Symmetrical During Ovulation?
If you were to slice yourself in half, you’d probably notice you're not perfectly symmetrical. One eye might be droopier than the other. One breast may be smaller than the other. One testicle may be larger than the other. Yet humans are attracted to symmetry. So it's absolutely fascinating that a female's hands, breasts, and ears become more symmetrical when she ovulates. Like the male, she also becomes more "lopsided" with age.
Can Breast-Feeding Result in Arousal?
When a new mother's nipple is suckled or stimulated, oxytocin is released into the bloodstream. This action not only produces milk ejection, but uterine contractions.
Thus, many mothers end up feeling a bit turned on when breast-feeding. To a certain extent, it’s as though Mother Nature is encouraging this form of nourishment. Breast-feeding also ultimately triggers the release of prolactin, a hormone that decreases sexual desire in lactating females.
What Is My Waist-Hip Ratio?
I have a somewhat hour-glass shape, but I don't know what my waist-hip ratio is exactly –- and if it will benefit efforts to conceive. Universally, the most attractive waist-hip proportion for a woman is a waist circumference that is 70 percent that of the hips. And there may be an evolutionary desire for this human figure.
Women who vary greatly from this have a harder time conceiving and have more miscarriages. Women who are "egg-shaped," "pear-shaped," or "stick-shaped" tend to suffer from chronic diseases, like diabetes, problems with circulation and certain cancers. They're also more prone to personality disorders.
Faking an orgasm is almost always chalked up as a woman’s white lie. But a man can be just as guilty.
The Orgasm Survey, conducted by economist Hugo Mialon, found that 24 percent — nearly 1 in 4 men — fake the “Big O.”
What’s perplexing is that society doesn’t acknowledge this issue enough. It’s supposedly only “her” problem. So what’s going on with him? And are there ways to have him trigger-happy in the saddle again?
Reasons why men feel the need to fake an orgasm are:
— He feels pressure to perform, including within a set amount of time.
— She’s really trying to please him, but his body isn’t cooperating (known as the “mercy fake”).
— He’s exhausted and faking is his exit strategy to sleep.
— He’s not into the sex and just wants to get it over with.
— He’s feeling sexually inadequate.
— He’s with a new partner and can’t relax.
— He doesn’t find his partner attractive.
— He wants to hide the fact that he’s dealing with a medical or psychosexual problem or a sexual disorder.
— He doesn’t feel emotionally connected to his lover (yes, those men exist!).
— He’s covering up the fact that the relationship is falling apart.
— He doesn’t want to disappoint or hurt his lover. He basically wants approval.
— He’s in the closet about his sexual orientation.
— He feels that his orgasm is a way of proving he’s a man.
— He’s grappling with the cultural shaming that invites feelings that he’s let down himself or his partner.
In most cases, his faking “O” seems chivalrous — until you consider that, as with women, pretending to climax does neither of you any good. It reinforces what not to do. It leaves at least the faker feeling disconnected and isolated from his mate.
Complicating matters even more is that we’ve made it OK for women to fake an orgasm. In fact, thanks to the medicine of sex, it’s OK for women to have a problem reaching climax, but not for men.
Hence, with his sexual performance heavily tied into his “manliness,” men are less likely to admit they’re having a sexual problem. The fear that he’s alone on this matter further keeps his mouth shut.
In resolving this issue, it’s important to realize that it’s only natural for every sexually active individual to have difficulty reaching climax at some point, whether with a partner or solo. There are a number of factors in this, including fatigue, depression, stress and medication. So don’t be concerned if you, or your partner, don’t have an orgasm on occasion.
To deal with this matter:
— Talk to your partner, approaching the matter delicately. Don’t admit that this has been an issue for a while. This opens up a whole “can I trust him?” can of worms. Focus, instead, on the present and moving forward.
— Frame the “work” to be done as a joint way to explore new territory for greater emotional satisfaction.
— Discuss where both of you stand on the need for the occasional fake. While some might find it very unethical, others know that what they don’t know won’t kill them. Lovers should be on the same page when it comes to this issue.
— Emphasize that neither of you has to have an orgasm every time. Also, refrain from assigning blame when it doesn’t happen. It’s nothing to be taken personally.
— Make sure you’re communicating, verbally and nonverbally in bed. This helps your partner to respond to what you want. So listen. Ask questions.
— Eroticize sex with new positions and techniques, as this allows lovers to connect in different ways.
— Stay in the moment instead of working toward a goal.
— Reinforce effective touch with compliments and noise that indicates pleasure (while staying sincere).
— Remind your partner that you’re still attracted to her or him — that you’re still into your sexual intimacy.
Keep in mind that shining too much of a spotlight on this issue can lead to performance pressure for both partners. One or both lovers can shut down sexually, complicating the situation, instead of allowing things to flow naturally.
Finally, see a sex therapist or counselor if you feel that your lack of "O" persists over time, or if there are heavy issues at play, including a history of childhood sexual abuse, that are affecting your game. A professional can act as a guide and take a holistic look at what’s going on in the bedroom versus focusing only on the sex (as couples tend to do). In doing so, some tough issues are more readily tackled, like just how healthy and real your relationship is on the honesty level.
In moving on, when the need to fake comes up, don’t play into this temptation. If you must, fess up, explaining why, such as, “I had a hard day at work.” Then suggest focusing on your partner’s pleasuring, or simply cuddling and appreciating one another without being so goal-oriented. Remember, the “Big O” doesn’t necessarily make or break a sexual experience.
It used to be that diamonds were a girl’s best friend. But these days, it’s something much more stimulating. And it vibrates. Better yet, it’s battery-powered to last for hours. Plus, it never needs Viagra.
So given the fuss it has created among women in recent years, many men have found themselves wondering if they will eventually become replaced. Are they just suffering from bruised egos in the bedroom ... or could they actually be sexually substituted someday?
In sizing up today’s vibrator craze, many point to the "Sex and the City" episode that made "The Rabbit" vibrator famous. And while that show definitely piqued more than the public's interest, you can actually blame the medical community for getting us turned on to the original electronic gadgets more than 100 years ago. At the turn of the century, vibrators became all the rage for treating female "hysteria."
From the time of Hippocrates all the way to Freud, doctors stimulated orgasms in women and girls to relieve them of what was thought to be their "starved" or "misplaced" womb. Historically, people thought that hysteria ("hyster" is Greek, meaning "womb") was a condition where the uterus was revolting against sexual deprivation. Marriage or a medical massage was considered the best remedy.
Using a clinical procedure known as the "medical massage." physicians would induce "hysterical paroxysm" in their patients. This "fit" or sudden attack, also known as an orgasm, involved an increased breathing and pulse rate, a reddening of the skin, vaginal lubrication and abdominal contractions. Is it any wonder that many women of the puritanical Victorian era flocked to their doctors, claiming to be afflicted with hysteria?
Doctors’ hands were finally relieved of masturbating their patients to orgasm in the 1880s when electromechanical vibrators hit the scene. These "medical appliances." as they were known, were designed to improve the efficiency of medical massage and treat hysteria. Yet they weren’t around for long. Medical massager's disappeared from doctors’ offices in the 1930s, replaced by psychotherapy.
It is no wonder, then, that women have been working themselves into a frenzy over the vibrator’s comeback in recent years. In the meantime, some men have worried that they’ve finally met their match. And in some ways, they may be right when it comes to their lover’s orgasm.
Vibrators can help a woman not only to become orgasmic, but multi-orgasmic. They deliver orgasms consistently and easily. They enhance her sexual responsiveness and pleasure. Vibrator users also report higher levels of sexual desire, arousal, and interest.
In a 2004 Berman Center study titled "Health Benefits of Sexual Aids and Devices," nearly half of women ages 18 to 55 had used a vibrator. These women were found to be more interested in sex, reached orgasm more easily and were likelier to have a better quality of life.
On first take, such benefits and research findings can definitely feel threatening to a gal’s lover. How is he supposed to compete with that?
But men should stop looking at vibrators as the enemy; they should start seeing them as their friends. They make their job much easier. When used in a supporting role, a vibrator can help a man bring his lover to orgasm.
The Berman Center study further found that 30 percent of couples use vibrators. This is no surprise given that users of sex aids, in general, have sex more frequently and experience more satisfying sex with their partners. Vibrator use can lend itself to better sexual functioning, as well as:
— enhance your emotional and sexual intimacy;
— heighten your pleasuring;
— boost your eroticism quotient;
— promote mutual sexual and emotional satisfaction.
So in making friends, ask for a show and tell. Ask her to use it on you. Take a chance, and use it during sex, using it on her clitoris during intercourse to increase her chances of reaching the "Big O."
Finally, take comfort in knowing that the vibrator will never replace you. Unless you’re a lousy lover or your relationship is already in shambles, a woman will never opt for a mechanical device over you. She’ll always prefer the emotional support and sexual intimacy that only her lover can give her. After all, the best sex is that which provides overall pleasure.
This article was written by:
Dr. Yvonne Kristín Fulbright. She is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, "Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots."